The Waiting Game

It feels like decades has passed..
Waiting for you to pop..
I can't hear your voice..
I can't see you..
I can't even touch you..
But I surely can feel you..

I hardly can go on..
But I am trying to hang on..
I spend sleepless nights on my bed..
But its so difficult to knock out...
Cause you're getting heavier day by day..
You must be developing pretty well in there :-)

I say a prayer..
I count the hours..
Wondering when will "The Moment" be..
I can't go on playing the waiting game..
If you ever change your mind..
Just let me know..
I'll be there..

Until then ill be playing the waiting game..

Don't you worry..
No matter what, I just want the best for you..
I still can afford to wait..
Just let me know..
I'll be there..

Waiting for you patiently,
Your mom

Journal of the Unborn Baby

That night...
God has placed me in a family. I have a mother and father, uncles and aunties and also grandparents who will love me and take care of me. Of all the families in the world, this is the perfect one for me. Thank you, God.

The morning after?

March 3rd, 2009
They don't know I am here. My Nana is very concerned about my Amma. She wants to go for a Sunway Lagoon trip with her sisters; Haanu, Venis and Darshi pini. He would be VERY worried if he knew I was here. He might think being exposed to the water activities could hurt me because I am so tiny and young. I have already begun to grow, very rapidly I might add. Right now it is lots of dividing *grin*, but my body will be forming very soon.

March 16th, 2009
I am still very, very tiny, but you would be impressed at how quickly I am developing. I can't wait for my Amma to know I am here. I know she will be very excited and happy. She loves little babies. Just few days ago, Amma and Nana attended Shantini pini and Gana chitappa's engagement. Both of them were so happy running around helping out with the preparation. But they still had no idea I was already formed.

March 21st, 2009
I am 18 days old today. My nervous system has begun to develop! Amma took a pregnancy test 2 days ago and it showed negative. She was quite frustrated but I was already feeling so thrilled and excited inside! I thought to myself, Amma, a few days more and you'll soon rejoice beyond words.

March 23rd, 2009
Amma decided to test again today. Suddenly, I heard her screaming. That's how I guessed she knew at that moment that I was in her. She sounded soooooo excited! She immediately told Haanu pini and they both hugged. The next thing, she called Nana and told him the good news. I am very sure Nana will be the happiest person on earth to know this. And YES he was!

April 8th, 2009
I am 4 weeks old. Even though I am only about the size of a raisin, an incredible thing happened today. My heart began to beat! My first blood vessels have appeared. The foundation for my brain, spinal cord, and peripheral nervous system and rudiments of my eyes are formed. The placenta began functioning. Limb buds, the beginnings of my little arms and legs, are forming.

April 14th, 2009
I am sure that a grandchild would be welcome on both sides of the family, especially if I am as cute as my Amma and Nana. Besides, I will be the first grandchild for both my paternal and maternal side. Some folks think it's better for the first born to be a boy and vice versa. But, I am glad my parents don't feel that way. I am glad they want me. I can't wait for Amma and Nana to tell everyone I am here. They will be so excited!

May 3rd, 2009
It is now eleven weeks after conception. Circulation to and from the placenta has begun. The placenta is a very special, amazing organ that connects my circulatory system with my mother's. The placenta is so important to me that it was being prepared almost as soon as I was conceived. The placenta works like your lungs, your digestive system, and your kidneys work, all at once. My mother shelters me, and her blood makes nutrients and oxygen available to me, but her blood and my blood, can never mix. My mother's lungs, digestive system, and her kidneys can't take care of me - I have to do that independently, through the placenta. The placenta filters oxygen out of my mother's blood into my blood, just the way your lungs take oxygen out of the air and into your blood. It also gathers nutrition for me, the same way your digestive system gathers nutrition from the food you eat. And lastly, the placenta sifts waste out of my blood, like your kidneys take waste out of your blood.

My kidneys are developed, but soon they will begin to function, and share this work with the placenta. My internal organs are growing. My tongue, esophagus and stomach are well developed, and my liver, gall bladder, and pancreas have been developing for several days. My lungs have begun to develop. My thyroid and other glands are forming.

I have hands with ridges that will grow into fingers, and two-segmented arms! I also have feet, thighs, and calves. I am so excited that my little face and sensory organs are forming. I have eyes, including a retina that already has color, as well as ears, a nose, and mouth!!

May 10th, 2009
I guess I am starting to cause my Amma a little trouble. She doesn't feel very well. I can't help it. I am doing the best I can. My Amma's body has to work very hard to help me grow. I can't wait to see her and show her I love her.

May 18th, 2009
It's Amma's birthday today! Amma and Nana went to temple to see dearest Lord Ganesha. Soon after that Amma's friends celebrated her birthday at some restaurant in Brickfields. I heard everyone singing Amma the birthday song.

My face is nearly finished forming and looks reasonably human, though lacking the muscles needed for facial expressions like smiling or frowning. I am beginning to move. These early movements are important to the development of healthy muscles.

June 7th, 2009
My mother's pregnancy is considered to be 16 weeks, but I am actual age is 14 weeks. I am strong enough to kick and move around! Amma is happy to be able to tell when I am playing now. As a 14-week old unborn child, I can experience pleasure and happiness or displeasure and fear. I can be startled, and my heart rate increases by loud pleasant and unpleasant noises. Amma often listens to Bhajans and Gayathri chanting. Nana talks to me very often too. I just can't wait to see them!

August 31st, 2009
I am already 26 weeks old now (28 weeks pregnancy - 7 months). Today is the big day. Amma's Baby Shower party. She was dressed in her wedding Saree and she looked so pretty in it! It must have reminded her of her wedding day. There were a lot of people in the house. I can now hear very well. I can even react to light and suck my thumb too! One thing for sure, I know Amma ate a lot of sweet, sour and yogurt rice during the party.

October 17th, 2009
It's Diwali Day today. Amma is about 34 weeks pregnant now. I can now move rapidly and kick hard enough. But poor Amma gets backache and contractions once in a while. I wish I can help her but I can't. Everyone is eagerly waiting to receive me. I was at Ammama and Tata's place for the morning Diwali prayers. I could hear Amma singing and everyone around her sang too. Nana also sang a Bhajan. Hope I can also sing like them both. Shantini pini and Gana Chitappa was banging the tamborine and Venis pini was playing the harmonium. I hope to take over the drums one day! At night, we went to Klang. There we saw all my cousins, Neha akka, Sanjeev anne, Yuva akka, Sureka akka, Jaishree akka and Gautham anne. They were all playing fire crackers and I was longing to play with them. I'm sure next year I will get my chance! Nanama, Tata and other aunties, uncles were there too. We returned back home that night and I slept tightly in my Amma's womb. It was a long tiring day.

October 18th, 2009
I am so excited today! Prem nana is buying me a baby cot. We went to Little Whiz and Amma/Nana chose an oak colored cot for me. Amma chose a very nice cartoon bed sheet. Sasi nana, Sathya nana, Nanama and Tata also came along.

October 22nd, 2009
I am now fully formed and just developing some baby fats. I'm sure Amma is getting heavier day by day but guess what, I am so excited!! The time is coming soon! She doesn't know yet, but soon Amma gets to hold me in her arms. Nana can then see me directly to my face and talk to me. I get to look in both their eyes and meet the rest of my family! YAY!!

What a joy...

For those who have been reading through my blog, they will know what is this all about.. For those who are not aware, I guess I will enlighten you a little about my developing baby.

When I was about 16 weeks pregnant, my O&G specialist - Dr Tang Boon Nee discovered a very devastating state about my baby. My little one's right kidney was enlarged (swollen) and it was so huge that the left kidney was totally invisible. We were in so much depression when we heard that news. And the worst part was when we consulted another doctor at Damansara Specialist, he told us the worst things ever and that was my baby might be developing a tumor during fetal stage. This could lead to removal of a kidney after the baby is born. Imagine what kind of trauma we went through. The baby has not fully formed and already been diagnosed with this sort of ailment.

We prayed and prayed so hard. Everyone around us helped us go through this. They gave us so much of morale support and encouragement that everything will be alright. It was rather difficult to accept any sort of encouragement at that very moment. But later on, we began to accept the baby's condition and totally surrendered to God. All the worries and anxieties flew away. We do not speak or worry about it though we knew the baby's condition was still the same. We waited patiently.......

16 long weeks passed and now I am 32 weeks pregnant. We went for our 3rd appointment with Dr.Baskaran of GH yesterday. Dr.Baskaran is the head of feto-maternal department where he only checks high risks pregnancies and problematic fetal cases. So far we've got great consultation sessions with him as he is a very positive and vibrant person. He often gives us very conclusive remarks and ensures we stay positive too.

We waited a while till the doctor called us in. I was lying down on the bed while waiting to be scanned. Dr.Baskaran walked in and started his job. There was a long gap of silence. Then finally he said, "There is no more mass in the right kidney. It looks normal." He said it with an absolute state of calmness and yet he was so firm about his statement. I felt a strong stir of joy in me. I thought of God immediately and thanked him. Little tears of joy formed in my eyes and I quickly gained control of them. I looked at my husband, Vijay and he looked equally overjoyed.

That news really made my day! All our prayers and hopes came true. I smsed all our loved ones and informed them on the good news. We owe all of them big time for all the support rendered to us in times of despair. Above all, God never let us down. It may take quite a while to see how He works His ways through, but we should not give up on Him. Whatever circumstances we face in our daily lives, we should hold on tight to HIM alone.

And to conclude, this is what Swami said:-

Sometimes you feel that disasters increase instead of diminish. Do not get agitated. Close your eyes and tell me with faith: "Thy will be done. You think of it." And when you speak thus, I accomplish a miracle when necessary. I only think of it when you trust me totally. I always think of you, but I can only help you completely when you rely fully on Me.

Those who made me who I am....

Through my journey of life... There are some very distinctive people I've met. These souls have direct or indirectly impacted my life in many ways. I thought it will be a great thing to put this down in words so that they'll be remembered. For without them, I am not myself today. Some of them are no longer alive, and yet some are.

• Guru Markendeyaji (Raub) - Met him in 1993. This person mentioned was the first person who brought our whole family to spirituality. How can I ever forget him? He walks bare-footed anywhere and everywhere, with his long white beard and mustache. He smiles and hold us all lovingly and speaks with utmost wisdom. He first initiated us in 1996 and showed us the path of Sadhana. He lived in a suburb area in Raub where he built his own home in the middle of jungle surrounded by caves and hills. He had a massive vegetable and fruit farm and fish pond at the back of his house. At times he used to sit for tapas under a huge tree and meditate for days without food and drinks. He is married with 3 children. As children we were very close to his kids and we used to have hell of a time together. His wife, we addressed her as Mathaji. She cooks very well and they were all full vegetarian. I can also still remember the fierce looking pitbulls that he had as his pets. However, these dogs surprisingly, were not fierce at all. I believe the dogs would have molded with lots of love and spiritualized; that somehow they turn out to be very loving animals. He had his disciples and my father being one of them, had his own Rudra tree planted in his farm. Guruji sees the progress of all his disciples by seeing the growth of the Rudra trees. It was a very remarkable experience knowing someone like him. His eyes sparkled with lots of love and wisdom and we used to have a special bond for him. After a meal, we all will sit and have satsang with Guruji. Though at time I felt it was very high level to understand his messages, but Guruji never failed to entertain us with his jokes and humor during intervals to keep us all attentive. After several years, he left wandering about - to name a few; Viet Nam, Laos and Cambodia, and he passed away in Vietnam few years ago. We never got in touch with him again after that. Lesson learnt from Guruji - always perform your Dharma right and stick to the path of spirituality. Eventually, that will be our ultimate goal in life.

• Paternal grandmother - 1931 till present. Her name is Chandra Sinnasamy Pillai and she is my father's mother. I've known her since the day I was born. We call her AVAA (which means Grandmother in Telugu). We stayed with her since the age of seven and she's still with us till now. She is now 78 years old, and dad took the sole responsibility of taking care of her and Ravi Chitappa till now. When we were much younger, she used to be our playmate. I remembered all the best part of our lives that we went through with her. We stayed in a long house back in Penang and it was a government property given to my late grandfather for his long services in PPC. There used to be a wooden veranda in front of the house and just below it, we had our dog, Whacky tied to one of the pillars. The veranda was our play area. Avaa used to tell us loads and loads of stories, riddles, jokes and we used to play games such as 'congkak', 'batu sembilan' and many more. We loved her cooking so much as she prepares very yummy curries. We really enjoyed her company even till today and we cling around her all the time. Late in the day, we used to accompany her and Whacky for an evening walk to the nearby Chinese village. I still remember how Whacky used to pick dried dead frogs and dash away while Avaa will be shouting her lungs out at him. There were plenty of plantation nearby the area (Bayan Lepas) we stayed and I still remember how we used to hunt for fruits. We moved to a flat apartments many years later and we had to give Whacky away to another relative. I guess he was not well taken care of and he died after some time. Avaa is an extremely patient, fun-loving, ever-smiling, gentle, caring and devoted person. Avaa is very cute in her own ways. Though she is very old now, she never forgets her daily prayers and the amount of devotion she has amazes me all the time! She thought me many many good things in life and one of the greatest thing I learned from her is PATIENCE.

• more to come.....
  

Being Twins - Part 2

Shamini & Shantini - Part 2 - The Mistaken Identity

Since young, we've been always mistaken for each other at many occasions. Most of the time, I will try not to be too naughty and just admit that I am not my other twin. And the next reaction from the confused person will be - "OH MY GOD... I didn't know Shantini had a twin!! Please tell her I said HI... " :P

But when I am at my most mischievous moment, I used to pulled a prank on some.

Though we did look alike most of the time, we did have some major differences. For those who knew us well, would usually differentiate us by our height, nose, color, with/without glasses, and of course our characters. But one of the most obvious difference between the two of us is our height and our characters. I guess that became quite apparent and obvious along the way. She is noisy, funny, mischievous, loud, and smart. On the other hand, I am a little bit more controlled, not so noisy, not so loud and finally come back with average scores in school. This puzzled my parents even till we were 17. Father somehow had this idea where we're supposed to be the exact replica of each other. Somehow, I can sit in front of books for hours much longer than she does and yet she will score better than me in school. Well, one thing for sure.. God did not create everyone the same. On the other hand, there were other things that I am better at. :)

So back to the mistaken identity.. One fine day back in Ipoh, I went to a stationary shop to buy some stuffs. As I was getting back to my car, some guy whistled at me. As usual, I just ignored him as he was just another stranger and I quickly got into the car. Just when I was about to drive away, that particular guy quickly ran to my car and knocked on my side window. I was taken aback and thought how daring this guy can be..to the extend of knocking on my window??

So I just wind down the car window and stared at him. He immediately asked, "Hey what are you doing here.. I thought you're having your short semester now??" So I knew at once that the poor guy thought I am my twin sister, Shantini. So guess what..I decided to go on pretending that I am her. I loved this game!!

I replied him.. "Hmmm my classes are over and I am back here.. How about you?? How come you're here? What are you doing?" Honestly, I've no idea who he was at all. It was all merely just a play of luck. I thought they must have been college friends as he knew about her semester. He then answered, "Like that la... I am back here as well.." Then he continued asking me.."Hey you are looking and sound quite different!!"

(Giggles) So I broke the rules this time and asked him.. "Whom do you think I am?"

He stared at me for a while... Trying to get his mind right.

I went on and asked him, "Do you know Shantini had a twin sister??"

Guess what was his next reaction? He took his palm and closed his entire face and he said "OH NO...!! I am so sorry!!" I laughed at him and said "Hey sorry I was just playing a fool with you."

Out of deep embarrassment, he quickly ran away not saying anything. I told Shantini about what happened and she laughed her lungs out.

Many years later, I saw the same guy in Ipoh again. And this time, both me and Shantini were together. He would have thanked God for that! Hahaha... And that was another fun chapter of our lives - which is still happening till today. I guess this kind of incidents are bound to happen our entire lives. We will surely embrace them and act accordingly! :)

Enjoying and cherishing every moment of our twin-hood!
~The first twin, Shamini~

TEN GUIDELINES FROM SWAMI

1. QUIT WORRYING

Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry.
Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you?
Or do you just enjoy fretting over little things that come your way?


2. PUT IT ON THE LIST

Something needs to be done or taken care of…
Put it on the list. No, not your list.
Put it on MY to-do list.
Le Me be the one to take care of the problem.
I can’t help you until you turn it over to Me.
And although My to-do list is long,
I am after all… God.
I can take care of anything you put into My hands.
In fact, if the truth were ever really known,
I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.


3. TRUST ME

Once you have given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back.
Trust in Me.
Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs,
your problems and your trials.
Problem with the kids?
Put them on My list.
Problem with finance?
Put it on My list.
Problem with your emotional roller coaster?
For My sake, put it on My list.
I want to help you.
All you have to do is ask.


4. LEAVE IT ALONE

Don’t wake up in the morning and say, “Well, I am feeling stronger now…
I think I can handle it from here!”
Why do you think you are feeling stronger now?
It is simple…
You gave Me your burdens and I am taking care of them.
I also renew your strength and cover you in My peace.
Don’t you know that if I give you these problems back,
you will be right back where you started?
Leave them with Me and forget about them.
Just let Me do My job.


5. TALK TO ME

I want you to forget a lot of things.
Forget what was making you crazy.
Forget the worry and the fretting, because you know I am in control.
But there is one thing I pray you will never forget…
Please don’t forget to talk to Me… OFTEN!
I LOVE YOU!
I want to hear your voice.
I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life.
I want to hear you talk about your friends and family.
Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me.
I want to be your dearest friend.


6. HAVE FAITH

I see a lot of things from up here that you can’t see from where you are.
Have faith in Me that I know what I am doing.
Trust Me, you wouldn’t want the view from My eyes.
I will continue to care for you and meet your needs.
You only have to trust Me.
Although I have a much bigger task than you,
it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing the simple part.
How hard can trust be?


7. SHARE

You were taught to share when you were only two years old.
When did you forget? The rule still applies…
Share with those who are less fortunate than you.
Share your joys with those who need encouragement.
Share your laughter with those who have not heard any in such a long time.
Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry.
Share your faith with those who have none.


8. BE PATIENT

I managed to fix it so in just one life-time
you could have so many diverse experiences.
You grow from a child to an adult…
have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades,
travel to so many places, meet thousands of people,
and experience so much…


9. BE KIND

Be kind to others for I love them just as much as I love you.
They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do,
but I still love you all.
Please try to get along, for My sake.
I created each of you different in some way.
It would be so boring if you were all identical.
Please… Know that I love each of your differences.


10. LOVE YOURSELF

As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself?
You were created by Me for one reason only –
to be loved, and to love in return.
I am a God of love… Love Me…
Love your neighbors…
But also love yourself…
It makes My heart ache when I see you angry with yourself
when things go wrong…
You are very precious to Me!


(As published in April 2007 edition of Nava Sarathy)


Click here to watch the video :

Ten Guidelines from Sathya Sai Baba
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVvEETaFu9M

Being Twins - Part 1

Shamini & Shantini - Part 1 - The Fall

Being twins were always fun and thrilling! It was the best thing ever to be as kids. Simply because we were like so popular in school, and needless to say we had quite a number of "peminat" too. We used to go through everything together. We were in the same school and most of the time - classmates. But when we entered Standard 4, we got separated - due to our intelligence level.. :P Anyhow, we became classmates again in Standard 5 & 6 and got separated again during secondary. Unfortunately, God finally decided that this two devils should be very far apart from one another and He decided to get her married to a Penang guy. And there she goes....

But guess it was all for good. We used to be so close to each other that we used to.. (*censored*). The only problem was this thing where we always fell sick together. That really suck big time! Whichever part of the world my other twin is, if she is sick... That's it. I know what to expect next! But that was not just it. There were more to go. Something called "EMOTIONS". That too we share very closely. If she is not in good vibes, so will I be. If she puts on weight, I will put on some inches too. Thus, we were never so different in terms of our looks. So this has been going on all these while even till now and I guess we will play this game till the end of our lives.

One day when I was about 15, father asked me to cycle to the grocery shop nearby to get something. Back then, we were staying in Kuantan at this place called Tmn Tunas Jaya. It's kinda rare to get these kind of chances as we never had our own bicycle. That too belongs to my 3rd sis - Haanusia. So with all my might and excitement, I cycled to the shop. Ahaa.. this was a golden opportunity to show off some of my cycling skills. So i increased my gear and cycled everywhere. I know father will be waiting, but that's secondary for now. I was cycling at one of the back alleys when a disaster was about to happen. I overlooked at this one place where it was full of sand and all of sudden my bicycle skidded and the next thing I knew... I was down in the drain and the best part was the bicycle was right on top of me- in the drain too. :(

Two very kind-hearted Indian aunties rushed to my aid and got me off the drain. I had scratches all over my arms and legs, and it hurt badly. Ouch! I dare not cycle after the fall, so I jus pushed the bicycle back home. When I arrived home, I got nice nagging from my dad for being so careless. So this time, he decided to send my twin, Shantini. So heroically, Shantini left with assurance that she is gonna get back with the stuffs my dad wanted. We waited....

A while later, Shantini returned. And Guess What??!!! She fell down too!! and the worst part.... Exactly at the same place! Whoaaa.. what a twin thing... I couldn't help laughing though I know it was quite mean of me to do so. But that was so hilarious. Imagine we fell at the exact same spot and she was down the drain too! hahahaha...

We still think about moments like this and laugh out hysterically. It was really fun growing up with each other. All our mischievous acts. Stay tune for more chapters from our "Being Twins" e-journal.

Twin No.1

Truth Materializing Into Gains

Swami often says:

When you seek the Truth, you are seeking God. Truth is God. Truth exists; so too, God exists. Truth must be considered as life giving as breath itself. Just as a person with no breath in him becomes useless, life without Truth is useless and becomes a dwelling place of strife and grief. Believe that there is nothing greater than Truth; nothing more precious, nothing sweeter and nothing more lasting. Wherever Truth is followed, there lives Dharma. There is no Dharma higher than Truth. There is no morality higher than Truth. Through Truth, you can experience love; through love you can visualize Truth.

So this is it...The Truth chapter of my life. I've been trying to understand Truth since the day I know Swami. His name is His Message.. Sathya Narayana.. and being one of His flowers in His garden... I do try and strive hard to follow His principles. Truth being the first one among the Human Values (Truth, Right Conduct, Peace, Love and Non-Violence), has been constantly emphasized by Swami.

I find it rather difficult to uphold truth and practice it, as it may not be the best thing to do in this world today. Though since the age of 14, I keep hearing the same call..TRUTH, TRUTH AND TRUTH Alone.. Some people say.. Ignorance is bliss. I agreed to that and I guess it has been part of my breathe all these while. On many occasions, I bridged it. I find that lies were the ones that saved me and brought me happiness.

Till recently, a story captured my heart. About this guy who practiced truth and how it changed his life. His final statement, "If just by practicing truth for a month can bring so much of fruits, what can it do to me to the rest of my life?"

So I started. My job often requires me to travel around Klang Valley. Due to my low wedges, often I claim more than what I am supposed to. I will just add on some places which I never visited and collect parking and toll receipts even during weekends when I am not on any working assignments. This had been a continuous practice. Unfortunately, however much I claim, I never did enjoy a penny of it. Yes at times, this extra cash did help me in some emergency. But sadly, I never had enough at the end of every month. Every mid of the month, I run out of cash and at times it hurts so badly that I used to cry and breakdown. Often I asked Swami "Why me??".

Till one day, the realization kicked in... I guess Swami's answer to me is "Why not??"

.Since the beginning of July 2009, I started this journey. It was very bitter at first. I am referring to TRUTH. I had so much fear when I first started. If it's not even sufficient all these while, how will it be any better for me if I am going to just depend SOLELY on the little that I am going to earn every month? Neither did I claim extra mileages nor collect irrelevant receipts for myself. I was very strict on this practice. Back in my mind, I just told myself, it's OK if I don't get the extra every month, let Swami take care of it. He who is TRUTH Himself, will know exactly what to do if I make this little attempt

Towards the end of July 09, it was rather strange that I had extra CASH in my bank account That was indeed a surprising fact which I've never ever experienced in my entire life. I had quite a lot extra that I was able to give some to my mom and help out my husband with some errands. It's always the other way round, where he often has to lend me some cash to keep me sustaining till end of the month.

Today, I am seeing the fruit of my action. Truth hails! Halleluyah!! By His grace, I can slowly understand the drama He is playing with me. Though it may not sound very significant, but it brings a great deal of change to my life. This is my first step! A step to uplift myself in this Sadhana. I can now call myself His devotee. How could I think that way all these while? There are much more that is yet to come. This is just the beginning.

A Beginner.

Mixed Fruit Cake Mommy

I am now 26 weeks pregnant.. How do I feel now? It's totally a mixed feeling. Like a mixed fruit cake. Fear of labor pain, excitement and joy thinking of how my generation's gonna look like, nervous and so on..

However, right now I've already start feeling quickening. A process where the baby starts moving in the womb. Junior Prime Optimus has his/her pattern throughout the day. There are times where he/she is active and there are times where he/she hardly moves (perhaps taking naps in between). There are certain things, sound, smell and taste that he/she seems to be very excited about. For instance when i swallow down some ice cream of chocolates, he/she moves so vigorously. Certain days, when it rains cats and dogs with thunder and lightning, just like any other babies, little junior gets a little frightened. He/she kicks very hard as though its crying in the womb. At times like that, I will hold him/her and say m0mmy is here for you my baby... dun you worry...and a while later, the movements eases down.

The cutest part of all is the daddy. Whenever he notices my big belly, he will stop by to say hi or smooch the baby.. It is said that babies in the womb will be able to hear its parents especially by now.. The hearing should be very well developed. Every night, if I am not watching any of my favourite tv shows, I will be reading my Sanathana Sarathi loudly so that the little one gets Swami's messages right in the womb itself.

As I always tell the little one.. "You will be HIS messenger. I am just the medium carrying you as my child.. but your real parent is Swami. He presented you to me as a precious gift. Right after I wrote Him a letter, I conceived the next month itself. I will do my Dharma well by bringing you up in the way He wants it to be."

Back to the little one.. My due date is around end of Nov 09. Hope he will come out when he is supposed to and will be all super healthy.. That's more the reason why we call him Junior Prime Optimus. :) That's all what this mommy can ever wish for. As promised, I will strongly go through whatever pain it takes to get him/her out safely and healthily. God, please be with me every second of my life.

Luv,
Mixed fruit cake mommy

Is parenthood for you?

Posing the question

For some people this is the world's easiest question — they've always been able to see themselves as parents, they have their life set up the way they want it, and they're ready to go. Others go back and forth on this one for years, or feel the need to do a little serious wobbling before taking the plunge. Some just never get the call.

The hardship factor

Being a parent is really fun, and satisfying in a way you can't fully imagine when you don't have children. And it's really hard work — more work than you can imagine until you've done it.

It's hard because of the sheer volume of demands on your time and energy, with few breaks to refresh and recharge; it's hard because parents almost never have enough time, money, emotional support, training, or preparation to do the job they want to do; it's hard because it puts your own emotional issues squarely in your face as your children inevitably push every button you have; and it's hard because the mistakes you make — and you'll make some, for sure — affect the ones you love the most: your children.

Having a child is a major life change, and because women everywhere bear the major responsibility for raising children, it's a change that in general affects women's lives more than men's. It means adding the way society treats parents (not well) on top of the way society treats women (ditto).

Men as a whole are more involved as parents today than ever before, but the day-to-day housework, meal-making, emotional counseling, childcare, purchasing, and household details and logistics still tend to fall — unpaid — to the woman of the house

That's not to say it's an easy decision for men. Both men and women face unhappy tradeoffs between work and parenthood in modern society, with women usually having to choose parenting to the detriment of work, and men usually having to choose work to the detriment of parenting.

Men's patterns of workaholism, reinforced by most workplaces today, are fueled by a new sense of responsibility for the family. Long hours of work increase the sense of emotional isolation that most men deal with anyway, and many feel frustrated at not being able to be the kind of father they wish they could be.


A reality check

With all the romanticized images of children and parenthood floating around, hardly anyone gets a realistic idea of what it's like to be a parent before they actually become one.

Most people, especially women, are brought up to expect that they'll be parents. From baby dolls to baby showers, girls and women are surrounded by images and expectations from parents, peers, religion, advertising, and the media. But the decision to be a parent is not up to your mother, your father, your friends, your church, or even any expectations you might have grown up with. It's your life, and it's up to you.

As for me

I asked myself this few questions:-

• Do I spend time with children? Do I enjoy it?
• What did I enjoy about being a child? What didn't I enjoy?
• What did I appreciate about the parenting I received? What didn't go well?
• What messages did I get about what a parent is supposed to be?
• How do I feel as I answer these questions?

By evaluating the questions above, I found that there are a lot of learning to do on parenting. Many of us are excited to have children but we may not equip ourselves with the right attitude and mindset to have one. Each of us may come from different backgrounds and upbringing, but let's start our little one(s) upbringing fresh and new. We fall and learn.

My little joy

8 July 09- TDMC, Taman Desa, KL. Vijay and me went for our 5th checkup. I am exactly 20 weeks pregnant now. Thanks to Vijay for making an early appointment with the doctor, we managed to see the doctor as her 1st patient. Dr.Tang straight away asked me to lie on the bed and she started scanning me.

Baby is healthy and has grown quite a lot.. Its little legs were bent towards the face. No wonder I can feel prominent kicking and movement nowadays. I wondered how can babies hang on in a mother's womb for 9 months or more.. in such a limited space.. not much activities going on.. but yet, they grow very well and develop all their internal and external parts completely. Amazing! It was very moving to see the baby has a full formed face now..and it has its heart, stomach and we could even see its bladder. All nicely formed.


The Lord has different plans for everyone of us. He says in Sanathana Sarathi.. I give everyone different powers based on their capacity. For example.. The rain drops to earth, and it has water for all the plants in this world. But some plants are only capable of certain amount of water. Similarly, each of us will have to learn many things in life.. A little now and more later or vice versa. In my case, it's rather a very challenging era I am going through now.. Mother Kunti said in Mahabharata... "Dear Lord, shower me with more problems.. so that I get to think of you more often.."

I guess it was overconfidence that deluded me.. I thought the baby would have been back to normal again.. But sadly, its kidney is still swollen. The doctor has no idea what's wrong.. However, she said something very convincing.. Based on the growth and movement and everything else, the baby looks absolutely normal. That itself made me feel better. However, the swollen kidney looks like a mass of flesh. Nothing can be done now as the baby's still in the womb. What can be done is that when the baby is born, it will be closely examined and observed by a pediatrician.

Hmmm.. what can I say.. Patience and forbearance is the key. Oh Lord, please give me the strength to be positive, hopeful and faithful.. You say what you think that you become.. I am only counting on you.. Please listen to our prayers... I just want the baby to be fine my Lord.. Daya Karoh Bhagavan..

Jai Sai Ram

You are His child... Not mine

17th June 09 - I went to work as usual in the morning.. Vijay went early morning to TDMC and registered my name.. He called me from work and told me "Baby.. you're No.1 again".. I thought to myself.." Being number one and remaining number one over time requires wisdom, a wisdom that is born of experience"

We arrived at TDMC around 2.30pm and were anxiously waiting for our turn. It was another chance for me to see a glimpse of my little one moving and stretching in me.. A new person growing in me..What a wonderful feeling to have this little joy! The greatest gift of my life. Vijay touched my tummy and told the baby.."Baby..later when Amma and Nana watch you, you must wave at us okay?"

Soon after, we were called in. First, my weight was checked and then my glucose level. Everything was normal and perfect! I went in the room with Vijay, and the doc greeted us warmly. Just after few seconds of chatting with her, she asked me to lie on the bed. This is the moment I was waiting for... almost a month since I last saw my Little Kid. He/she must have grown quite a lot now.

My heart pumping hard! Anxiously waiting to be scanned. Within few seconds, it was visible.. My baby was moving about.. It was so magnificent to even think of another life growing in me..What a miracle! Its little fingers and tiny legs moving high and low.. Vijay got his wish came true when we saw baby's little hands waving in motion. We were overjoyed! The doc slowly examined baby's parts and organs. Everything was normal and its growth was perfect.. She tried to see the baby's gender, and there was a little peanut hanging.. :) she said, it could be a boy!! Though it's quite early to tell now. All of a sudden, the doc's gestures changed, she kept on scanning at the same spot, and she told me.. "Ohw... One of the baby's kidney is swollen.."

Immediately my heart moved. I went on asking her if it's normal and she said, if it's a baby boy then it could be because of the urinary track which is too small so the consequence is the urine gets stuck in the kidney. This then let to kidney getting swollen due to the pressure.

Soon after that, I got back to my seat beside the doc. Since this is quite a rare case, she told me that it's good to get a second opinion from another specialist. My next appointment was with Dr.Gunasekaran from Damansara Specialist Hospital in 2days time. I left the hospital with a very heavy heart..But not long after, I regain my confidence. My thought was glued to Swami alone. He is the divine physician..A Man of Miracle.. I left it to HIM.. Vijay had his divine communion with Lord Ganesha and left this matter to the Almighty.

Friday morning arrived, and I was absolutely sure that nothing has gone wrong with the baby. In meantime, I did ample of studies over the net and found out that this ailment was referred to "Hydronephrosis". According to the resources from net, this is a case where eventually the swelling will subside over the time..at least before the baby is delivered.

....

As I walked out of the clinic, my eyes were filled with tears. Heart unbearable. As we were walking to the car, I could no longer take it, and I burst into tears. Vijay held me close and consoled me. I just could not listen to anything right now. I thought this is it! End of the world. Why me??? I never harmed anyone. I am not sucha sinner.. But why do I deserve this? I was so angry, frustrated, devastated..just name it... It was just too horrible. At the same time, we were so angry with that Dr.Guna. How can he judge my baby as DS (Down Syndrom) without any tests or diagnoses. He also threw some of the most heartbreaking possibilities during the appointment, which is so impossible for me to even mention it here.

Back in the car, I told Vijay to inform our family members about our little baby's condition. Oh poor baby.. what a thing you're going through! Over and over again.. I asked Swami.. My dear Bhagavan.. what did the innocent child do... why it has to go through such a pain, even while it's in the womb.. I was just about to be happy seeing him growing into a nice perfect healthy baby, and in all of a sudden, the medical doctors just shut me and my world of hopes. They have threw me far..far into another world.. a world of depression..

A week more has passed, it's 26th June 09 today. I read Swami's Prayer of Surrender. He says, "Leave everything into My hands saying "Lord, Thy will be done. Thou think of it." That is to say: "Lord I thank you for you have taken everything in your hands, and you will resolve this for my highest good." My strongest voices spoke from all directions. My husband, parents, sisters and In laws convinced me that there's God beyond any sciences or medical in this world. They are doing all they can to help me overcome this. Swami has given me a huge responsibility - I am the bearer of this divine child. There is nothing I can do now but to instill hope, faith and confidence in me. That the baby is gonna be just fine.

I am now looking at the future. My baby will be well-known amongst us.. simply because it's a MIRACULOUS CHILD.. I will tell this story to my kid in few years from now when it can listen and respond to me. It's HIM who saved you my child.. And I will point at the altar. His ever-smiling face and compassionate eyes looking at the both of us. He who loves you my child more than anyone of us and will carry you in His arms. During the times of distress, He often spoke to me through my heart. He often tells me this, "I shall guide you only if you completely surrender to Me and when I must lead you into a different path than the one that you expect, I carry you in My arms." And that's exactly what I did. I Surrendered! You are His child.. Not mine.

Your mommy with love.

I Always knew you were there..

It was one of those tiring days after school. We were in Form 2 back then, and we usually travel to school by bus..as we got down from the bus, I looked at my house and I spot him sitting outside, reading one of his spiritual books. It was a normal routine of his, but he usually reads indoors and not outdoors.. As we both walked into the house silently, we spotted a group of Indian boys sitting at the playground's bench.. starring at us. Back then, we were in girls' school, so you can imagine how shy we were towards boys that time.. :P As we reached the gate and about to step into the house, he stopped us and asked, "Why didnt you both greet HARI OM to me? Go back to where the bus dropped you and come back again."

We were so embarrassed and refused to go back as the boys were still there, looking right towards this direction. We made it through somehow and we said "HARI OM PA" this time.. Still being unsatisfied, he asked us to do it again so unwillingly.. Oh MY!! Tears started forming and we were holding them "macho-ly" and did it again. Guess we did it about 3 times before he actually let us inside. That was my DAD. I can still remember him being so strict and demanding. At times, I thought he was worst than Adolf Hitler. It was never helpful to think that all these were done for a good motive as we were rebellious and often short tempered just like how all the other teenagers are. Thank God there were always the 2 of us to often share the joy and pain together. At times, the third one will join us along. Luckily the last one did not go through much of this. :)

Whatever mentioned and said above were all what we thought of "bad experiences" when we were much younger. But today I am proud to point at my dad wherever he is and tell the whole world "HE IS MY DADDY!" Most fathers are usually quite quiet and they leave all the disciplining and bringing ups to the mothers. But never in our case. Mom was more of the quiet one.. He used to watch the way we dress, whom are we mixing with, ensure we helped mom in the kitchen, thought us all the house works including first aid, cleaning, cooking, a little bit of repairing and troubleshooting, gardening, wood jobs and etc etc etc. Nevertheless, he never neglected his fatherly duties- bringing us for holidays and pampering us with good food, buying us toys, encourage our talents & etc.

His high taste in spirituality and principles in life made us through our teenage and youth life in a very interesting way.. He thought us independence, endurance, faith, strength, respect, trust, love, unity and above all - discipline. I thank God yesterday, today and tomorrow to have the 4 us born to him and my pretty mom..They are truly gems in God's heaven. They have never neglected us and our needs. I knew they were always there for us! Clap clap clap!!

YOU HELPED ME TAKE MY FIRST FEW STEPS....
AND THE MOST DIFFICULT ONES TOO...
YOU DROVE AWAY MY FROWNS...
AND PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE ALWAYS...
NO MATTER WHAT THE SITUATIONS WERE...
I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE THERE...
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY APPA...
WE LOVE YOU...


A small Facebook tribute from your princesses,
Sham, Shan, Haanu and Venis~

My Little One in Me - A New Journey

In February 2009, I was in Kerteh for a business trip and I had to travel there exactly on the night of Valentine's Day. We had a rather simple V Day at a Nyonya-Thai Fusion rest at Puchong. That night my colleagues and I arrived at Kerteh at 2.30am and I got a room for myself.. Guess that room was not being used for quite some time and it had a kind of stench smell, indicating dust and humid. That night i just knocked out and morning woke up suprised to see the South China Sea facing my room. What a view! it was so relaxing, refreshing and just simply superb.

The date was 15th Feb 09, when I got my menstrual and again I was depressed as I thought it was pregnancy spotting. Well, i thought to myself... let's just wait another month..

Exactly 1 month later... that was exactly 15th March 2009, I did a pregnancy test at home.. And I could not believe my eyes to see what I saw... We finally made a baby??? OMG! The overwhelming feeling was beyond words.. I quickly called my hubby and broke the good news to him.. I took a refreshing bath and while bathing, I thanked God for this beautiful gift that we waited for about 7 months. Finally it materialized! :)

Halleluya!!! JAI SAI RAM!!

New Chapter of My Life- Married

Flash back of our past, we met in June 2003 and we coupled up in August. Eversince then, we have been dating via all ways possible..And finally after 5 yrs of all the hurdles, trials and tribulations we went thru, in June 2008 when we tied our knot at Che Fong Khor Hall, Teluk Intan. The wedding was then followed by a grand reception on the next day at the Ipoh ACS Tamil Methodist Hall. We were truly blessed by all our family, relatives and friends and all our wedding ceremonies was done in a very cultural and traditional manner.

Our honeymoon was indeed very memorable.. We visited the gifted country with beautiful nature scenery and landscape - Thailand. After 3 days of our wedding day, we flew by Air Asia to Krabi. Krabi was enchanting, beautiful, memorable and most of all GREEN! It was a marvelous tourist spot for those who love nature based adventures - snorkeling, kayaking, rock climbing, island hoping, elephant riding, cave trekking and etc etc etc. We had a wonderful 6 days 5 night stay at the Krabi La Playa Hotel with a private garden specially for us alone.

To name a few of the activities we covered during our stay at Krabi is Island Hopping to Phi Phi Islands, Monkey Bay, visited excellent Thai Massage at Stall No.9, Sa Marokat (Crystal Pool), Hot Spring Waterfall with high content of minerals, Krabi night market visit, & trip to Tesco Lotus by "Tuk Tuk".

To conclude, our pre-wedding, the mega wedding and post wedding experiences were simply so good. below are more pics of our honeymoon trip

Prayer of Surrender

Why get agitated? Let Me take care of all your business. I shall be the one who will think about them. I am waiting for nothing else than your surrender to Me, and then you do not have to worry any more about anything. Say farewell to all fears and discouragement. You demonstrate that you do not trust Me. On the contrary, you must rely blindly on Me.

To surrender means: To turn your thoughts away from troubles, to turn them away from difficulties you encounter and from all your problems. Leave everything into My hands saying "Lord, Thy will be done. Thou think of it." That is to say: "Lord I thank you for you have taken everything in your hands, and you will resolve this for my highest good."

Remember that thinking of the consequences of a thing is contrary to surrender. That is to say, when you worry that a situation has not had the desired outcome, you thus demonstrate that you do not believe in My love for you. You will prove that you do not consider your life to be under My control and that nothing escapes Me.

Never think: How is this to end?... What is going to happen? If you give into this temptation, you demonstrate that you do not trust Me. Do you want Me to deal with it...yes or no? Then you must stop being anxious about it! I shall guide you only if you completely surrender to Me and when I must lead you into a different path than the one that you expect, I carry you in My arms.

What seriously upsets you is your reasoning, your worrying, your obsession, your will to provide for yourselves at any price. I can do so many things when the being, as much in his material necessities as in his spritual ones, turns to Me saying: "You think of it." then he closes his eyes and rests quietly. You will receive a lot but only when your prayer will rely fully upon Me. You pray to Me when in pain so that I intervene, but in the way you desire it. You do not rely on Me, but you want Me to adjust your requests.

Don't behave like sick ones who ask a treatment to the doctor, all the time suggesting it to him. Do not do that; but rather, even in sad circumstances, say: "Lord I praise and thank You for this problem, for this necessity. I pray You to arrange things as You please for this terrestrial and temporal life. You know very well what is best for me."

Sometimes you feel that disasters increase instead of diminish. Do not get agitated. Close your eyes and tell me with faith: "Thy will be done. You think of it." And when you speak thus, I accomplish a miracle when necessary. I only think of it when you trust me totally. I always think of you, but I can only help you completely when you rely fully on Me.

—Sathya Sai Baba

A Bond Tied on 7th June 08

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A Special World

A special world for you and me

A special bond one cannot see

It wraps us up in its cocoon

And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold

Gently nestling us to the fold

Like silken thread it holds us fast

Bonds like this are meant to last.

And though at times a thread may break

A new one forms in its wake

To bind us closer and keep us strong

In a special world, where we belong.

- Sheelagh Lennon -