You are His child... Not mine

17th June 09 - I went to work as usual in the morning.. Vijay went early morning to TDMC and registered my name.. He called me from work and told me "Baby.. you're No.1 again".. I thought to myself.." Being number one and remaining number one over time requires wisdom, a wisdom that is born of experience"

We arrived at TDMC around 2.30pm and were anxiously waiting for our turn. It was another chance for me to see a glimpse of my little one moving and stretching in me.. A new person growing in me..What a wonderful feeling to have this little joy! The greatest gift of my life. Vijay touched my tummy and told the baby.."Baby..later when Amma and Nana watch you, you must wave at us okay?"

Soon after, we were called in. First, my weight was checked and then my glucose level. Everything was normal and perfect! I went in the room with Vijay, and the doc greeted us warmly. Just after few seconds of chatting with her, she asked me to lie on the bed. This is the moment I was waiting for... almost a month since I last saw my Little Kid. He/she must have grown quite a lot now.

My heart pumping hard! Anxiously waiting to be scanned. Within few seconds, it was visible.. My baby was moving about.. It was so magnificent to even think of another life growing in me..What a miracle! Its little fingers and tiny legs moving high and low.. Vijay got his wish came true when we saw baby's little hands waving in motion. We were overjoyed! The doc slowly examined baby's parts and organs. Everything was normal and its growth was perfect.. She tried to see the baby's gender, and there was a little peanut hanging.. :) she said, it could be a boy!! Though it's quite early to tell now. All of a sudden, the doc's gestures changed, she kept on scanning at the same spot, and she told me.. "Ohw... One of the baby's kidney is swollen.."

Immediately my heart moved. I went on asking her if it's normal and she said, if it's a baby boy then it could be because of the urinary track which is too small so the consequence is the urine gets stuck in the kidney. This then let to kidney getting swollen due to the pressure.

Soon after that, I got back to my seat beside the doc. Since this is quite a rare case, she told me that it's good to get a second opinion from another specialist. My next appointment was with Dr.Gunasekaran from Damansara Specialist Hospital in 2days time. I left the hospital with a very heavy heart..But not long after, I regain my confidence. My thought was glued to Swami alone. He is the divine physician..A Man of Miracle.. I left it to HIM.. Vijay had his divine communion with Lord Ganesha and left this matter to the Almighty.

Friday morning arrived, and I was absolutely sure that nothing has gone wrong with the baby. In meantime, I did ample of studies over the net and found out that this ailment was referred to "Hydronephrosis". According to the resources from net, this is a case where eventually the swelling will subside over the time..at least before the baby is delivered.

....

As I walked out of the clinic, my eyes were filled with tears. Heart unbearable. As we were walking to the car, I could no longer take it, and I burst into tears. Vijay held me close and consoled me. I just could not listen to anything right now. I thought this is it! End of the world. Why me??? I never harmed anyone. I am not sucha sinner.. But why do I deserve this? I was so angry, frustrated, devastated..just name it... It was just too horrible. At the same time, we were so angry with that Dr.Guna. How can he judge my baby as DS (Down Syndrom) without any tests or diagnoses. He also threw some of the most heartbreaking possibilities during the appointment, which is so impossible for me to even mention it here.

Back in the car, I told Vijay to inform our family members about our little baby's condition. Oh poor baby.. what a thing you're going through! Over and over again.. I asked Swami.. My dear Bhagavan.. what did the innocent child do... why it has to go through such a pain, even while it's in the womb.. I was just about to be happy seeing him growing into a nice perfect healthy baby, and in all of a sudden, the medical doctors just shut me and my world of hopes. They have threw me far..far into another world.. a world of depression..

A week more has passed, it's 26th June 09 today. I read Swami's Prayer of Surrender. He says, "Leave everything into My hands saying "Lord, Thy will be done. Thou think of it." That is to say: "Lord I thank you for you have taken everything in your hands, and you will resolve this for my highest good." My strongest voices spoke from all directions. My husband, parents, sisters and In laws convinced me that there's God beyond any sciences or medical in this world. They are doing all they can to help me overcome this. Swami has given me a huge responsibility - I am the bearer of this divine child. There is nothing I can do now but to instill hope, faith and confidence in me. That the baby is gonna be just fine.

I am now looking at the future. My baby will be well-known amongst us.. simply because it's a MIRACULOUS CHILD.. I will tell this story to my kid in few years from now when it can listen and respond to me. It's HIM who saved you my child.. And I will point at the altar. His ever-smiling face and compassionate eyes looking at the both of us. He who loves you my child more than anyone of us and will carry you in His arms. During the times of distress, He often spoke to me through my heart. He often tells me this, "I shall guide you only if you completely surrender to Me and when I must lead you into a different path than the one that you expect, I carry you in My arms." And that's exactly what I did. I Surrendered! You are His child.. Not mine.

Your mommy with love.